Customer service

Actual phone conversations with customer service:

Me: The trash people didn’t put the lid back in my garbage can and the lid blew away.

Nice Lady from the Trash Company: Can you identify it?

Me: Well, it’s green and rectangular, about 18 inches by 24 inches and it fits on top of my trash can.

Nice Lady: I mean, did you have your name on it?

Me: No. How about my initials?

Nice Lady: That would help. Or your address.

Me: I didn’t have either.

Nice Lady: I’m sorry. Without some sort of identification there’s not much we can do.

Me: Do you have any extra can lids lying around?

Nice Lady: No, we don’t pick those up.

Me: I thought your business was picking up.

Nice Lady: Ha ha.

Me: Maybe I can microchip it.

Nice Lady: That would work, too.

* * *

Automated Phone Company Voice: If you are calling to report a phone out of service, press or say “1.”

Me: “1.”

Automated Phone Company Voice: If you are calling from the phone that is not working, press or say “1.”

Me:

Automated Phone Company Voice: If you are calling from a phone other than the phone that is not working, press or say “2.”

Me: Duh.

Automated Phone Company Voice: I’m sorry, I didn’t understand you.

Me: All right, “2” then.

Automated Phone Company Voice: I’m sorry. I’m having trouble understanding you. Let me transfer you to a service representative.

Me: Yay!

* * *

Representative from a big Online Company Whose Name Is the Same as a Major River in South America: So you didn’t order this merchandise?

Me: No, from the information you sent me it was ordered under a different email address and sent to a different shipping address.

Representative: Are you sure you don’t use that email address or shipping address?

Me: Let me check. (One microsecond elapses.) Yes, I’m sure.

Representative: Did you receive the merchandise?

Me: No. And I didn’t order it, either.

Representative: It didn’t come to the place that you live.

Me: No, it went to some place where I don’t live.

Representative: I see. So someone else ordered it. Do you know the person who ordered it?

Me:

* * *

Health Insurance Agent: We didn’t pay this claim because it had the wrong date on it.

Me: OK.

Health Insurance Agent: You need to call the hospital and get them to correct the date.

Me: How about if I tell you the correct date?

Health Insurance Agent: I’m sorry, it has to be the hospital

Me: But I was there.

Health Insurance Agent: I’m sorry.

(A phone call later)

Hospital Representative: We sent the correct date to the insurance company.

Me: They say they got another date.

Hospital Representative: I don’t know how that happened.

Me: I don’t either. Can you call them and tell them the correct date?

Hospital Representative: We already did.

Me: They say you didn’t.

Hospital Representative:

Me: Maybe we can settle this with a duel.

Hospital Representative: I think that’s illegal.

Me: Too bad.

Dan Verner is a Manassas resident. He contributes his thoughts and stories to the Perspective page on Sunday.