How desperate can GOP be?

If you really wonder about all the talk about Republicans being in a real quandary this election cycle without offering a “viable brand” to voters, as the politicos like to say, we have to look no further than my mailbox this week.

This polite letter from a guy named Mike Duncan informed me that “you are among a select group of Republicans who have been chosen to take part in the official 2008 Census of the Republican Party.
Your answers will be used to develop a new blueprint for the Republican Party for the next 10 years…”

Trust me, this party is in serious trouble, especially if it’s counting on yours truly for answers. Later in the letter, Mike (it turns out he chairs the RNC) tells me my role as an “official Census participant” is even more important than usual because it seems costs prohibit all Republicans from being contacted in this manner. Therefore, Mike tells me earnestly, “Your answers will represent the views and
opinions of ALL Republican voters living in your voting district.”

I don’t know about you, but I get a feeling there may be some diehard conservatives in my little neck of the woods in Prince William County who quite possibly do not want my opinions to represent them.
Just remember — this wasn’t my idea. Blame it on Mike and the good people at the Republican National Committee.

After recovering from the initial shock and awe of having been designated a loyal and trustworthy conservative Republican to begin with, I decided to do as instructed in Mike’s missive and fill out his
party’s Official Census on behalf of all those other loyal Republicans who will not get the chance (and you know who you are, especially if you did not get a letter).

While I usually do not support any candidate at any level strictly along party lines — and let’s just say Jim Webb, Mark Warner, John Warner and Tom Davis all owe me big time — I am both touched and humbled that the national GOP counts me as one of their own, and that they have asked me to speak for “my entire voting district.” (Still, in the spirit of political camaraderie, I have chosen to simply ignore the obvious that the RNC has not been a devoted reader of this column for the past 23 years. Go figure.)

I soon discovered the GOP Census accompanying the letter, which ends with a presumption that I will make a monetary contribution of up to $500, gives added meaning to the phrase “loaded question.”
How could anyone other than an avowed terrorist say “no” to this one? “Should Republicans do everything they can to prevent liberal Democrats from repealing the USA Patriot Act and other important laws that help our intelligence agencies protect America?” Well, uh, sure thing.

Or how about this one that seems tailor-made for Prince William County: “Should we do everything we can to stop Democrats from weakening border security?” Uh huh. But what do you mean by “everything we can?” Would that include sticking all them no-good, pinko, pansy Democrat-types on a ship and pushing it toward Central America? With some sticks of dynamite on board? And not enough restrooms? I’d have to think about that one seriously, but thanks for asking such a thoughtful question.

The RNC was thoughtful enough to concede that some loyalists may not be able to make a contribution at this time (perhaps due to the fact that the economy is in the toilet these days, although Mike had the good wisdom not to mention this). But all is not lost. I’m told if I don’t contribute now, at least I should send $11 to the RNC “to cover the cost of tabulating my survey.” Which got me to thinking… $11 to tabulate each survey? Wow, in my next life, I’m coming back as a GOP Survey Specialist!

Now I’m sure the GOP’s counterpart at the Democratic National Committee probably sends out the same type of letters and questionnaires to its loyal supporters. (The Dems, of course, have set Internet records this election cycle for fundraising, mostly from young voters.) But at least the Democrats had the good sense not to include me on their VIP list. Besides, as Groucho Marks once observed, “I would never belong to any club that would have me as a member.”

John Merli has been a Potomac News columnist since 1985. He has worked in the media for more than 30 years. E-mail him at j.merli@comcast.net.