Pump up the volume, pay the price

In 1971, British rockers T. Rex, lead by singer Marc Bolan, encouraged listeners in their second U.K. No. 1 song to “get it on, bang a gong, get it on.”

In my hometown, that could be subject to a $50 fine. I am referring only to the gong part. There is currently no ordinance against getting it on.

City officials, in response to complaints about loud music from cars and trucks, screeching tires and revving engines (“You kids stay out of my yard!”), are asking citizens to keep their ears open for
offending sounds, jot down license plate numbers on postcards placed conveniently around town and drop them off at City Hall or the police department.

The owner of the offending vehicle will then receive a letter from the city, reminding him or her of the noise ordinance, with perhaps a personal message like, “We know where you live, buddy.”

As the nation’s top investigative journalist currently sitting in this room with T. Rex lyrics bouncing around his skull, I decided to take a closer look at some of the acts listed in the city code as violations
of the noise ordinance. What I found was shocking. Well, not exactly shocking, but a tad odd and obviously lawyerized.

It is a violation “to play music or emit sound from a motor vehicle or as a pedestrian that can be heard from a distance of 50 or more feet from the source of the sound, unless such a device is being used
to request assistance or warn against an unsafe condition.”

So, if I’m sitting at a stoplight, blasting Snoop Dogg’s classic ode to sipping on gin and juice, I am subject to a civil citation of $50. But, let’s say, Snoop just cut a song warning about the “unsafe
conditions” associated with dining on contaminated tomatoes. (“You can be a mellow fella/But don’t eat no salmonella.”)

Am I still in violation? It is a warning of unsafe conditions from the aforementioned Mr. Dogg, isn’t it?

In addition, it is an offense to use “a horn or signal device on any vehicle, except as a danger signal, or using such a device in an unreasonably loud or harsh manner for an unreasonable period of time.”

This means I can’t toot my horn and wave at Cousin Junior as he’s walking into the pawnshop with Maw-Maw’s toaster oven, but I can toot my horn at Cousin Junior as he’s walking across the street with
Maw-Maw’s toaster oven if he’s about to get hit by Snoop Dogg’s tour bus. I can’t toot for an unreasonable period of time, though, which I assume to be approximately the length of Snoop’s most recent
probationary sentence.

And my favorite section, which prohibits the “use of any gong or siren, other than police, fire or other emergency vehicle.”

Gong? When did car gongs become so commonplace that ordinances were needed to control them?

“Can I see your license and registration?”

“Certainly officer. Did I do anything wrong?”

“When you passed me on Third Street I heard you banging a gong.”

“Oh, yeah. I got a factory-installed digital gong on this baby. An extra two grand, but it was worth it. The ladies dig the gong.”

“In this town, we’ve got rules against gong banging, son.”

“What?”

“That’s right. You can’t just ride up and down the streets, banging your gong, disturbing decent folks and such. What do you think this is, 1971? You want to bang a gong and get it on? T. Rex never
achieved the same commercial success after their only real U.S. hit and Marc Bolan died in 1977. I’m going to have to issue you a civil citation.”

So, if you’re cruising through my hometown, turn down the volume, cool those tires, watch the RPMs and, for goodness sake, no gong banging.

Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com.