Biddlecomb Column: Why did the goose cross the road?

Answer number 1: To prove to the possum it could be done.

Answer number 2: To see if two car lengths for every 45 mph of speed really does prevent traffic accidents.

That’s what a gaggle of Canada geese were doing on the Fairfax Parkway earlier this summer when they tried to cross the busy highway. But they didn’t count on Jozsef Vamosi coming to their aid.

According to accounts in the Washington Post, the 60-year-old Fairfax man was driving near the Dulles Toll Road when he saw three large geese followed by eight smaller ones attempt to cross the
parkway. He stopped his car, helped the geese cross the north-bound lane and then halted traffic in the south-bound lane so the geese could continue their march, according to the Post.

His reward: A ticket from police and a day in court. The police charged Vamosi with jaywalking. The officer testified that while the man was helping the geese, he was obstructing traffic and nearly caused
a multi-car pileup.

The case went to court this week, where a judge heard both sides.

Which man was right?

I say both.

Who was wrong?

The geese. Shouldn’t they be back in Canada by now?

The judge in the case showed some empathy (which qualifies him as President Obama’s next Supreme Court nominee) and let the driver off the hook as long as he stays out of trouble for six months.

It was a classic case of breaking the letter of the law in order to do what’s right. As for the geese, they were never apprehended, nor punished and were last seen waddling south to a golf course near you.

Canada geese are considered federally protected migratory waterfowl. The only problem is the Canada geese that spend their summers in Northern Virginia are neither migratory nor water foul. Most of the
birds have never been north of Baltimore and many can barely tread water — they’ve simply gotten too fat on southern hospitality.

There was a time when the first honks from Canada geese were heard in the middle of October. This migration from the Canadian prairies would continue down the Atlantic flyway into the Chesapeake
Bay watershed until early November.

Then, it was hunting season. Hunting was good in the mid-1980s when friends and I hunted Canada geese from duck blinds over the water or while camouflaged in wheat fields.

By the time March rolled around and I was getting my baseball glove ready for spring, the last of the Canada geese took to the sky heading back to Manitoba or some other destination that I’ll probably
never see in my lifetime.

We still see geese migrating into this area every fall, but it’s not the phenomena it once was. Mainly because too many geese have decided to make Northern Virginia their home year round. Talk about
illegal immigrants. The geese are everywhere — on golf courses, in the outfield of local baseball parks, on our highways and near airports. These summer time geese can eat to their hearts content with
no predator (especially hunters) in sight.

Speeding cars are their only worry these days. Maybe that’s why the officer gave the good Samaritan a ticket. He was upsetting the balance of nature by protecting the resident geese from their only
predator.

Wildlife experts believe the problem with non-migrating Canada geese comes from the expansive green lawns that come with expanded residential growth over the past three decades. People hand
feeding these things doesn’t help either. Why should geese fly north when the buffet here is open year-round.

There’s really no silver bullet approach to controlling this population.

Hunting is always an option, but there’s no sport in shooting a portly goose that has the temperament of a Central Park pigeon. And why waste a 12-gauge shotgun shell when you can deliver the hit up
close with a .38, like Jack Ruby?

Mass deportations are too expensive and probably inhumane since residential geese can no longer speak Canadian (most no longer end their sentences with “eh”) and would have a hard time adjusting to
harsh prairie life.

For his part, I hope Mr. Vamosi has his case dismissed. The geese, meanwhile, will have to fend for themselves. If they can’t fly back home, can they at least show enough initiative to fly over major
highways . . . or use the crosswalk.

Alfred Biddlecomb is the former editorial page editor for the Potomac News and the Manassas Journal Messenger.