Shannon Column: If I only had a hammer

Now I know why people bring their hammer to Comcast offices in a last-ditch effort to improve their customer experience.

You may recall how 75-year-old Mona Shaw suffered a botched cable and phone installation at her home. Since she could not call Comcast to complain, she visited their office.

Told to wait outside in the heat, she did so for two hours until a staffer finally sauntered outside and told her the “manager” she needed to see had left for the day.

When Mona returned the next morning she brought her hammer and proceeded to get the attention of the entire customer “service” staff as she smashed keyboards, monitors and other assorted front
office equipment.

Mona struck a blow for beleaguered consumers everywhere. If FatHead.com sold her hammer-wielding image, I’d be first in line.

I’ve been thinking fondly of Mona during my latest voyage into the Comcast Zone. Late Monday night I sent out a newsletter and Sunday school update for my church — which shall remain nameless to
shield it from association with my many and varied sins. The list is 772 addresses long.

Tuesday, when Janet tried to reply to one of her Uncle Kenneth’s multi-forward humor-mails, Comcast blocked her reply. The error message suggested she visit www.youareinComcasthell.com and she
discovered we had been tried and found guilty of being spammers.

This might conceivably have been true in 1978, when there were only 600 e-mail addresses in all the world, but in 2009, when there are over 100 billion spam messages each day, 772 messages are not a
drop in the bucket — they don’t even qualify as water vapor wafting over the bucket.

What’s more, this is third time the net nannies have singled the Shannon family out for abusing the system. Each time it happens we are guilty until proven innocent and punishment is instantaneous.

When you call customer service to complain the response is always “the computer did it” as if this computer is some sort of doomsday system that humans are powerless to counteract. It would seem to
me that if the computer could render the sentence, it could also refer the appeal to a human who could look at the file and see it is just me and my church newsletter.

Spam accusations from Comcast are a kind of electronic hemorrhoid that flares up and grudgingly recedes. Even when the computer’s decision is reversed (minimum one hour on the phone) it takes 24-
hours of foot-dragging before service resumes.

But what really starts ball-peen thinking are the random, inexplicable insults you have no way of anticipating.

Recently Comcast treated Internet users to its new e-mail interface: “SmartZone.” A more accurate description would be “DeadZone.” During the transition from the old system to the new system
Comcast managed to lose my primary account and my son’s account. When I called to get that fixed, I discovered they would not talk to me because they had also corrupted my Social Security number.

After much angst the two deleted accounts were found, at the cost of Comcast technicians discontinuing my automated pay-by-credit-card. So while I was out of town Comcast cancelled our cable TV.

This is what’s so maddening about dealing with utilities that are quasi-monopolies “regulated” by the government. These behemoths are too big to fail and to incompetent to please.

Human repeat offenders suffer consequences. You do hard time. Family members wonder if you were someone’s boyfriend in the joint. And when you get out, the only company that will hire you is Metro.

But commercial repeat offenders simply employ more lobbyists to capture the regulators. While the customers are bounced from indifferent gatekeeper to gatekeeper until you finally find one who takes
pity on you.

If I was a Democrat this is where I would demand legislation, hearings and more government regulation. But I’m no longer a Democrat, because I’ve never encountered a situation that’s improved by adding
bureaucrats.

Instead, I’m considering practicing what I preach and encouraging competition. If we had e-mail portability like we have phone number portability, I’d be flagging down the nearest Verizon man and ridding
myself of Comcast and Judge Computer.

In the meantime, here I sit, surrounded by corrupted account data, branded with a scarlet “Spam” on my forehead, contemplating a switch of Internet providers. If this was a musical, I’d burst into song,
possibly sung to the tune of “If I Had a Hammer.”

If I had a hammer,

I’d hammer on their keyboard,

I’d hammer on their modem,

All over this land.

I’d hammer out vengeance

I’d hammer out a warning

I’d hammer out the hate between the customers and Comcast

All over this land…

Michael R. Shannon is owner of MANDATE: Message, Media & Public Relations, located in Woodbridge. He can be reached (for now) at Michael-Shannon@comcast.net.