Granados Column: Imagine this: a spammer that doesn't annoy, but rather intrigues

"The universe.

Most people like to believe that the universe is like all the stars and planets in space.

That's not the universe.

That's pretty much the matter and energy part. The universe is all the matter, energy, time and space. People don't really understand the time part so they try to just leave it out of what they think the universe really is. Much more than all the stars and planets in space, the universe is really all the past, present and future. People don't really understand what the past, present and future is, so they try to fall back on the idea that the universe is all the stars and planets in space.

Now show me your universe, the whole thing."

--- Robert Lavelle

So goes what is possibly one of the strangest spam e-mails I have ever received. That is not the first I have received from Mr. Lavelle; it is simply the one that I found sitting in my inbox this morning.

Ordinarily, I can do a pretty good job of detecting which of my e-mails is spam simply by looking at it. The first time I received one from Mr. Lavelle, I could tell it was spam, and yet something told me to go ahead and open it anyway. The e-mail was different than the one above -- it was called "Space Ends" -- but it was equally weird.

I felt compelled to ask Mr. Lavelle what he was talking about. He told me he wanted me to print his e-mail as a letter to the editor. I told him I didn't think that was a good idea. Besides, he's not even local.

As I received more e-mails from Mr. Lavelle, I became curious and did a Google search on him and his strange e-mails. It seems that he has been pestering newspaper editors and others near and far for years with his seemingly never-ending string of e-mails.

I also discovered another interesting tidbit. It seems he may be local after all.

Exploring the Web sites of others who have had experience with Mr. Lavelle, I came across one that said that in July of 2000, Mr. Lavelle attempted to sue various law enforcement offices for $11 trillion. The information was said to be gleaned from a periodical that covers Virginia. And here is the quote the Web site used:

"'The reason for this law suite [sic] is the police refuse to enforce the law,' Lavelle wrote in the 18-page lawsuit filed Wednesday in Prince William Circuit Court. 'I believe their negligence is not only a threat to my life but a threat to all the life of the planet and I demand justice to be done.'"

I haven't been able to confirm for sure that this happened -- Mr. Lavelle won't talk to me other than to tell me to print his letters. But it seems that my strange spammer may be a local person after all.

I have asked him to meet with me, but I'm met with silence.

Regardless, I have a special place in my heart for Mr. Lavelle. Most spam is designed for some specific purpose, like getting you to buy something. But Mr. Lavelle's particular brand seems to be more a personal crusade of sorts. And it's a bizarre and entertaining one, so I don't feel bothered when I see his name in my inbox; I feel curious.

Mr. Lavelle, if you are out there, please call me. I'm interested in talking. I would like to know why you are so adamant in getting people to hear your messages about space and various other things. But whether you do contact me or not, I want to thank you for bringing something unique into my sometimes humdrum days.

I will close this column with the first e-mail I ever read by Mr. Lavelle:

"Does space go on forever, or does space end?

There is a "big" difference, if any way you go space goes on forever or if any way you go space ends.

What is a "big" difference between those two ideas?

If space goes on forever any way you go, space does not have a shape.

If space ends any way you go, then space can take a shape.

Space can take a shape, if space ends.

There is another "big" difference whether space ends or not. Can you think of what that is?

You may tell everyone about this."

And so I have, Mr. Lavelle. I look forward to hearing what else you have to say.

Alex Granados is the editorial page editor for the News & Messenger. He likes to hear about weird things, so if you know of any, let him know by e-mailing him at agranado@insidenova.com.