Hunley: Car names can be a no-go

Maybe you have to be a car guy to understand this.

I’m not. My dad is. He can spot slight differences between model years of cars from decades ago.

Me, I’m a chauffeur guy. I’d much rather have a ride than drive myself.

However, on the way home from Manassas the other day, it struck me just how much car names have spiraled out of control.

This isn’t new, of course. Jerry Seinfeld mentioned it in a 1994 episode of his self-titled show.

But when I found myself behind a Kia Rondo in traffic, I realized the automobile namers were out of ideas.

What’s wrong with that name? Nothing necessarily. But when I see “Rondo,” I’m thinking Rajon Rondo, point guard for the Boston Celtics, not four doors and a hatchback.

As I got closer to my place near Occoquan, I saw a Nissan Rogue.

Rogue? Really? Who wants a car that goes rogue on you? My first car was one of those: a Ford LTD. It’s the reason I probably won’t ever own a Ford again.

Speaking of that make, near the Rogue on Old Bridge Road was a Ford Edge.

At first, I asked myself a similar question: Who wants a car that’s on the edge?

And what edge?

“The” edge, as in the edge of sanity? Is the “crossover” vehicle taking you on a rock ’n’ roll fantasy? Does turning the key lead to a wild and crazy adventure?

I’m thinking no. Sorry, Charlie, er, Henry. Because it’s a Ford, it’s probably on the edge of breaking down.

Sticking with the letter “E,” how about an Envoy from GMC?

What is this? The car you send to get you another car?

Or, as Seinfeld said about the Chrysler LeBaron (“no baron has ever owned a LeBaron”), do you suppose that an envoy from a foreign government actually ever drove this GMC SUV?

Even better is the Mitsubishi Endeavor. The marketers must have meant the Webster definition of “to work with set purpose” here instead of just “to try.”

No one wants a car that tries to get you from one place to another.

Other names have generated some unpleasant publicitiy for carmakers.

An old story on Forbes.com points out that General Motors discovered that the name of its Buick sedan, “LaCrosse,” which was to be sold in Canada, was French-Canadian teenage slang for masturbation.

And the Volkswagen Touareg, apparently, was named after a “tribe of north African nomads that, it turns out, traded slaves well into the 20th century.”

That would be why the background research is important.

I have a Corolla, and with the number of those that Toyota has sold, the name must not have been a problem for most folks.

In fact, Ken Shepherd told me he doesn’t think anyone really gets that hacked off about car names.

“I think they’re more in tune with the manufacturer,” said Shepherd, who, as general manager of Miller Toyota in Manassas, should know.

That’s probably true. My friend swears by his Dodge Challenger.

And he probably would even if I were to remind him that people say “Mopar” stands for “mostly old people and rednecks.”

Jonathan Hunley is a staff writer at the News & Messenger. Contact him at 703-369-5738, or at jhunley@insidenova.com.